To begin with, we should establish what “respect” actually is and is not. Two main uses for that word are:
Respect as attitude. It could be simply described as considering someone your equal. This is essentially what people mean when they say you should respect everyone. I’d call it “passive” respect.
Respect as admiration. Essentially holding someone in high regard. It is gained by proving one’s ability or showing virtue. This is an “active” form of respect.
The first one is more difficult to put one’s finger on. In theory, it should be the default approach we take to other people and expect the same from them. Reality is quite different from that. Even the least judgemental of us still approach newly met people in various ways, depending on the first impression they made on us. Truth is, some people are born more charismatic, smarter or good looking than others. Characteristics like those can give a certain advantage, but no matter how intelligent or beautiful/handsome you are, people will not respect you if you don’t respect yourself.
Attitude is shaped by the subconsciousness so this is the part we need to address. If you let others walk all over you, don’t expect them to treat you well. This can be seen even in small children as they learn what behavior is acceptable around one parent, but not around the other one. Homo Sapiens are social creatures and just like the rest of animals belonging to that category, human groups form certain hierarchies.
That’s what makes the first impression so crucial. There are two scenarios to consider here:
- A new group is forming and most (if not all) people involved don’t know each other. This is the prefered situation, as there’s no stable group dynamic set yet which makes becoming a respected member a lot simpler. The future leader of the group is usually noticeable fairly early on, as this position requires certain rare predispositions and in most cases there aren’t many people suitable for it. If there’s more than one the group might split or the process of choosing a leader might get prolonged as they rivalize for the position.
Not everyone can be a leader, though. In the meantime, first relationships are forming between different members as they get to know each other, carefully checking ground to establish the hierarchy in which everyone will be operating from there on. It can take different shapes and sizes - from teasing one another, through a casual conversation to even outright abuse. This is where self-respect comes into play. A person with none automatically places themselves at the very bottom of the hierarchy, from where it’s very difficult to go up. They want to avoid conflict at all cost by proving to others they’re not a threat or by simply isolating themselves from the rest. Similarly to the example with children, this shows the rest of the group that it is acceptable to mistreat or disrespect that person, since they simply allow it. Obviously bullies are going to abuse that a lot more than a decent person would, but everyone involved subsciously takes a mental note saying “this person will put up with anything”.
However, if they put their foot to the ground, even in a playful yet firm manner, it still sends the signal that there are barriers not to be crossed. It is important to avoid becoming too agitated, as it may lead to actual conflict.
- Second possible scenario is when a person is joining an already formed group, which has its own rules, power dynamics and hierarchy. In this case it’s a lot easier to land at the very bottom since one has no friends to defend them, no shared memories with other members and very limited knowledge of this particular group culture. In this position it’s virtually impossible to become the leader, at least for some time. What’s important is that since the group forming has already concluded, there’s high probability of someone already being on the bottom of the hierarchy. It’s usually not that difficult to notice which person that is, as they’re being ordered around and otherwise disregarded.
In this scenario self-respect is more important than in any other. The aspiring member should not force themselves on others, because it might come off as desperate, lowering the chances of integrating into the structures on good terms. Same rules apply as in the first situation except here it can prove more difficult as one has to be careful not to offend the wrong people. Being sure of one’s own value gives off the impression that the person is not only a valuable addition to the group, but also a force to be reckoned with. Naturally, seasoned members are going to respect the new one a lot more if he joins because they wanted him in and not because he begged so much.
There’s a distinction to be made between self-respect and being full of oneself or plainly hostile. Whereas passive respect is derived from knowing ones worth, it requires a degree of distance. A person full of themselves will not win over many people, hardly anyone likes being looked down upon. The art is in knowing when to give in or let something fly and when to show some backbone. One has to respect themself, but also other people.
Respect as admiration is a lot easier to wrap one’s head around. This is the most common meaning, as we look up to people who are better than us in certain aspects, hoping that one day we could be like them. In most cases it’s a person who shows some extraordinary ability or a virtue we think of highly.
In other words, it is earned and not given. This allows us to separate someone’s work from it’s creator. One can despise someone's character, wish all the worst upon them, but in the end must not ignore their achievements.
This is where the adverb “as” comes into play. “I respect him as a scientist”. This phrasing is a perfect example how the two aforementioned types of respect are not tied together. What the person is saying is that despite having no attitude of respect towards that particular scientist, they still acknowledge his value in the field. Only the best of the best or under very specific conditions active respect can also guarantee passive one (an example of these conditions would be a conference or a group of people positively impacted by one's actions). Therefore usually it’s not enough to excel in one’s work or behavior because while that might earn one recognition with some, most people will not be aware of one's success.
To sum up, I might have lied a bit in the beginning. The truth is that both passive and active respect is earned. The difference is their source. We give passive respect to ourselves and other people follow. No one spends their time deciding their attitude towards individual people, especially that this decision would be pointless as we cannot change the underlying feelings we have. With admiration it’s hardly ever about personality or arbitrary characteristics, it is a result of hard work, dedication and ability.
As for giving people our respect? Obviously we should strive towards treating all people respectfully, but perhaps instead of saying catchphrases like this one we should just try to be a little more understanding. After all not everyone can handle social situations the same. Nevertheless, in the end it’s down to their own self esteem.
The real respect is the active one, though. The one reserved only for the people we deem worthy of it, be it because of excellence, virtue or anything else.
- Czytaj więcej..
- 0 komentarzy
- 1603 wyświetleń